Gloryfades.org

You know how you’re supposed to feel horrible when a person close to you passes away? How close can I be to a woman who speaks a different language than I do and is 60 years older than me, living a lifetime away in a country I have not visited in a million years? My grandmother died today; the immortal woman who survived a handful of heart attacks, numerous broken bones and God knows what else succumbed to the ailment that shook her bones as early as yesterday. I was out, having a glorious night playing pool with people I had finally become close to at work when I finally decided to call my mother; I was agravated that she wanted me to come home when it wasn’t even 11 o’clock and then she uttered what I thought I would never here: “Babcia nie zie”. Your grandmother is dead.

I feel like I should be mourning more; I walked home from where I was, only a few blocks down the road. As I got closer to home I began to get a pressure headache. I haven’t cried and I don’t think I will and it’s just eating me up inside that I haven’t. What’s wrong with me, I keep asking? Why don’t I feel pain? Why can’t I help my mother with this? I suppose it’s a good thing my aunt is visiting right now. By the time I got home, my father was already in bed asleep; the fucking prick didn’t even stay up with her. I swear I love my father, I really do, but sometimes he’s so callous and so insenstive that any devotion I have for him is just swallowed up by my anger and distaste for his actions.

I just feel so confused. I knew this day would come because we all die eventually; my grandmother was old and frail and it was her time to go. Look at me, discussing her death like she was my dog or something. This is eating me up inside, why?!

When I think of death, I think of my lovely Leah because she has had to deal with it so forcefully. Nothing can compare to her loss and yet I seem to be comparing it. My grandma died, pfft. That’s so trivial. If I were any more of an idiot I would place a smilie face right here, rolling it’s eyes skyward.

It’s pathetic that a death has made me open up like this, one so far away. I feel horrible because I know she was alone in that hospital room when she died. Her only daughter left in Poland lives a good 6 hour train ride away and I’m an insolent grand-daughter who really should have called earlier. Death does not sit well with me; I can’t wrap my mind around it, I honestly can’t.

To relieve some of my boredom I’ve started doing pilates; man, when people say they are hard, they really don’t quite cover it! Pilates is difficult, lol. Hopefully, it’ll help me out a bit since I’ve been feeling kinda blah lately and I have a wedding to go to in July.

I just adopted the Victoria Beckham (nee Adams) fanlisting; there’s over 700 fans and if you’re not on the list you should be. There was over a 1,000 but I weeded out all of the old email addresses that no longer work. I really love the layout as well cause she’s so pretty in her wedding photos. Damn her for having David Beckham, that man is a god.

:doze: Wow, what a lazy night. It’s been gorgeous the past two days but super hot so I’ve been kinda weary about going out. I hate, hate, hate feeling hot and sticky.

I’m in one of those moods again where I think about why I haven’t written anything worth writing about; I don’t contemplate much when I’m online, to tell you the truth. It’s a mindnumbing device, this computer of mine, that allows me to sit and enjoy myself to an extent until I either have to get food, go pee or do both. What a mindless existence. Yeesh, I’m being so cylical. :confused:

So um, ya. I hate going to work nowadays more than ever because I know that I can’t live without a job. If I don’t have a job I have no money and if I have no money two things happen: a) Leah would hate me probably for the rest of my and her life because I’d be backing out of a trip to Quebec with her and b) I wouldn’t be going to Florence in June 2005. Oh and that university thing is pretty important too. So I work my tail off at a meaningless job shoving food at people and taking their flack when it’s not up to snuff.

Today I sold a Big Mac meal, supersized with a Coke and a fudge sundae (extra topping) to a woman who was literally oozing out of her car; she was frightening to look at because it made me think that it’s my fault she’s so gargantuan. Yeah, I know it’s not entirely, but I am playing the devil’s advocate here: she made the choice to come and eat at McD’s and get a wheelbarrow of food. I gotta wonder; would she have gone somewhere else if McDonald’s didn’t exist? *shrug* Whatevs. I’m too tired to care.

Bam Margera is in the new Rolling Stone magazine and tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Woot.

Yes, I believe it’s time to do a major update at TB.org. Or at least announce all of the new stuff that I’ve put up since the last site update which has not been for a while.

First of all this is version 5 of Toxic-Bliss.org, called ‘Viva la Italia’ (probably with grammatical errors, but who cares?) and I made it today. The images came from the ever wonderful stock exchange and the textures are a mix of lots of things which I can’t recall at the moment. With this layout I have moved the comment link from down below the entry to right above it, right next to the subject line; if you want to leave a comment, do it up there.

Nextly (nice word, eh?) I’ve been adding wallpapers. The newest ones are at the bottom and their among my favourites. I like making bigass blends and then turning them into layouts for some reason. I guess I just like glorified messes

Also, I added some LJ icons as well from Kill Bill. Those can be found at the bottom as well. If you choose to use them, please remember to give me the credit for them.

(Yes, there’s more!) I’ve also added two free layouts that I made a few nights ago; I was inspired by something and decided to make them. They’re nothing special but if you need a temporary layout or something, go ahead and use them. Please leave the link up back to TB.org though cause I am the one who made them.

Finally, I got a note from someone about missing my old tutorials from Cathartik which kinda bewildered me. I didn’t even know they were useful! In any event, I’ve brought them back and you can find them at that link. I haven’t updated any of them though so they’re just the old ones. Maybe if I feel inspired I’ll add some more tutorials, but until then just sit tight. If you want to see any new tutorials, comment or use the form to let me know what sort I should make!

Someone keeps calling to my house collect. No one recognizes the voice nor the name the person gives. It’s kinda weird how s/he (the voice is really unrecognizable) doesn’t seem to get the hint each time we refuse to take the call. :O

I saw the season premiere of Viva La Bam last week and I forgot to mention it. It was sweet. If you haven’t seen it and you would like to, I’m sorry if you read this and are dissapointed by my spoilers. Your life will go on though.

Bam decides to buy a new house cause his last season he was issued an order to leave the township after all the shit he pulled (unauthorized concert, an elephant, he built a moat and enclosed his backyard into a castle, plus the Christmas light show was probably a pain in his neighbor’s asses too) so the show begins with him going to find a house with Dunn, Raab and Brandon in his Hummer. The highlights of the search: Bam giving Dunn a hug after throwing him out of the moving vehicle (it was moving slowly, though), erotic art in the first house they saw and the hockey rink.

Once Bam made a decision, moving day arrived. Oh man. They had to have had two trucks to move the stuff, one for all of the shit Bam and his friends threw in for shits and giggles and another one for actual stuff April and Phil wanted to keep out of their son’s greasy paws. Honestly, it was like a free for all; they bubble wrapped and taped Don Vito to his chair cause he didn’t want to get up and hoisted him up onto a flatbed truck with like a couch and some chairs to be moved. He stayed up on that thing for probably the entire day. They didn’t even bother closing the back of the truck when they finished shoving everything in. It was great. Dunn gave it a try, but it came back up and he was like, “fuck it” and walked off.

The house Bam bought is actually a converted farmhouse with a unicorn mural on the front door of the house which is like a barn door, honestly. Inside is really nice, though. Highlights: Raab found a stellar room and called in everyone to see it; before he could say anything, Dunn calls it, the rest pick their rooms and Raab’s left standing there, chintzed out of the room that he had found.

Wow, this is getting super long. It was a great first show; I can’t wait to get the next one cause that’ll be amazing to: Slayer plays a concert in Bam’s backyard and the Pirate Bar opens up. God, I wish I lived in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

Man, I need a new layout stat. This one is kinda getting old. I’ve made two and neither one I particularly like. Come on, muse, bite me already!